Being a gentle, conscious, respectful parent comes with its own challenges ( and treasures) - so here are 5 ways to parent gently.
But being the first generation to do it with no idea of this way of parenting? Pressure!
Like many of us, I experienced the typical West Indian upbringing - lix and ting - shame, fear, threats etc.
And for a while this is all my nervous system knew, all it was wired to respond to.
5 ways to parent gently
But thanks to different parental figures growing up, I was able to experience parenting outside of the typical disciplinary methods we have adopted.
When I got pregnant with my daughter, I knew that I wanted to do things differently and from a healthier perspective.
But while the intent was there, I had no idea how challenging implementing those differences would be.
Reprogramming
Over time and with guidance, I learned (and am still learning) that I had to do a lot of unlearning, reprogramming, reparenting and growing alongside my child.
These things are no easy feat, so I started to find ways to regulate myself before trying to regulate my child.
These include coping mechanisms and go-to's that could help me navigate and support myself, my child and our relationship through triggering moments or moments of frustration and moments of anger.
With support and research, I found five go-to's that allow me to pause before reacting and hold space for not only my child, but also for myself.
The tips
I hope these help you in as much as they help me.
- Red zone mantra: "In order for me to continue respecting you, I need to leave the room to calm my body and mind down." I use this one as soon as I go into a red zone and my tongue starts to itch. Saying this out loud to my child helps me refocus, and also models for her different methods of self regulation.
- Shaking out the grumpies/dancing out the grumpies: This is a big favorite for me, and works great on younger kids when they’re stuck in a loop. I sometimes pick off the imaginary grumpies until they’re all gone lol!
- Gentle reminder mantra: “My child is not being difficult, he/she is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time’’ or “No one and no child wakes up with the intent to make our lives frustrating. Rather, a need is not being met."
- Doing a self check-in/self-scan and remembering the goal: Not getting caught up in a power struggle with your child, and noticing when our ego is talking and not our mind or heart.
- Holding compassion and space for myself: "I am also having a hard time, and not trying to be an angry or shouty parent” or “ I am feeling overwhelmed and triggered." Even the simple acknowledgement of these thoughts can create room for softness to make an entrance into what might be a tense situation.