Introducing step-siblings to the new baby isn't easy.
Being in a long-term relationship with a partner who already has a child has been one of the trickiest predicaments of my adult life.
In the beginning, it felt as if I had entered a relationship with two other people - one of whom was pint-sized and too young to understand my sudden involvement and role in his life.
Over the years, we encountered several barriers to bonding and building trust, but after nearly a decade, I am happy to say that my now teenaged stepson and I are in a harmonious place.
Still, I felt a great deal of mixed emotions when it came to informing him about my pregnancy.
Family dynamics
First, there was the excitement of becoming a parent for the first-time as well as the sheer awe that my partner and I had created this little human together.
There was also a feeling of trepidation when considering the possibility of how much my pregnancy and the new baby could affect the comfortable dynamic between my stepson and I.
For instance, I felt guilty that his father and I were unable to gauge his feelings and prepare him for the prospect of a new sibling in advance, as my pregnancy was unplanned.
As such, we had to go straight into telling him that he had a sibling coming, after 13 years as the only child.
Sibling rivalry
The potential for sibling rivalry was also of great concern, mainly because my stepson lives in another house and although he would be seeing his sibling on visits, I worried that he would feel pushed out or neglected as most of the attention would be diverted to the new baby.
The impact of the Covid-19 pandemic also meant that my stepson could neither keep to his previously-established weekly visits, nor could he be physically involved in most of the planning and preparation for the new baby, an activity most experts recommend for minimizing feelings of anxiety or resentment in children.
There was also the fear that as the older child, he would feel forced to act more grown up and responsible at a time when he may have needed more coddling.
I also worried that he would feel resentful if called upon to help with the care of his younger sibling.
Common reactions
At the time, I researched how to ensure a smooth transition for a blended or stepfamily when expecting a new baby.
What I noted was that the reactions I feared the most from my stepson were quite common among children for the following reasons:
- They feel like the pregnancy is getting a lot of attention
- They recognize that the baby belongs to both of you, and they feel insecure
- They worry that they will lose their special position as mummy or daddy’s “baby” or as the “only child”
- They worry that they will have less time and interaction with their parent or step-parent during visits
- They worry about physical constraints like where the baby will sleep and whether they will keep their room or have to share it.
Preparing for the new baby
This of course is not standard, and feelings will vary depending on the child and/or the family dynamic.
Still, it is important to be in touch with all the children’s needs during this time.
The following steps can also be taken to prepare children for the new baby.
- Introduce the idea of the new baby as early as possible and make sure that they hear it directly
from you - Talk to your children about their concerns and reassure them. Help them to focus on the
positives of this new experience - Include them in planning and preparing for the new baby
- Keep children’s routines as consistent as possible and introduce new routines gradually
- Carve out special time for other children after the new baby arrives
- Accept all your children’s feelings, even the negative ones, and let them know your expectations of their behavior towards the new baby
- Encourage and show children how to play with the new baby or give older children responsibilities to help with his/her care. Praise them for a job well done
- Encourage other adult family members to lend extra support and attention to your children.
A baby can be a bridge
In earlier years, especially when we were going through a tumultuous period, I remember venting to my
partner that my stepson seemed reluctant to even try bonding with me because we had no emotional or
legal connections to each other.
One of the things I have been looking forward to since the arrival of my baby is seeing the ways in which
her presence will help to bridge the gap between my stepson and myself, since she shares a blood tie
with both of us.
And hopefully she will bring us all even closer together as a family.
Shared experiences
Her endearing antics and milestones have become a fascinating point of conversation and taking care of
her has become an experience that we both share, when we would otherwise have nothing much in
common.
I was quite pleased to hear that he had boasted to his classmates about the impending arrival of his new
baby sister as it showed his pleasure in his role as big brother.
And although his visits are still restricted, we plan to find creative ways to spend time together as a family as she grows and develops.
I cannot wait to see their interaction in the future.
Blended families
Life as a blended or stepfamily is quite complicated.
The arrival of a new baby brings with it a lot of joy and togetherness but also more demands on time, emotions, and resources.
If your situation is anything like mine, I encourage you to talk openly about the impact the arrival of your little bundle of joy is having on all members of the family and to find ways together to overcome the difficulties that will surely arise.