If you are from the Caribbean, there was a famous line that most children heard while being punished: “What you crying for? You want something to cry for?”
For us, the tears were probably already flowing to the point that you were gasping for air, while being asked this odd, yet expectant question.
I'm pretty sure the answer for any child would have been: “No, I don’t want anything to cry for, I’m already crying."
But it was a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation. Regardless of your response, you were often met with: “I will give you something to cry for!”
Let us not forget that the crying was already in progress, so didn't we already get something to cry for?
You want something to cry for?
Let's dissect this a bit. This may have been a mom who was frustrated or angry and triggered.
In her angst and overwhelm, she is observing her child's behaviours, emotions and reaction and is further frustrated, maybe because it is perceived that the child's behaviour is the cause of all this.
Now, every mom has been there.
We may not say the phrases we heard as a child, but we have been triggered or overwhelmed and then reacted to our children.
Imagine you have worked all day, taken the time to cook, and your child decides to just reject your meal?!
Sometimes parenting feels like being on one of those reality shows when you are continuously judged.
In those moments, all you may want to do is react.
Don’t they know the cost of groceries and the time and effort it took to prepare that meal?
In this instance, maybe what we are missing is the fact that we may need to stop and recognize what is essentially happening to us in that moment.
It is not the child’s behaviour, but rather what it represents to us.
Teaching moments will be had and discipline will happen, but trying to do it from a triggered place will not be as affective.
Navigating negative behaviour
Here are a few strategies that can help us navigate how we react to our children’s negative behaviour:
- Know your triggers: Triggers are situations that take us to a past event in our present. Children can trigger us in various situations that can remind us of our past hurts, insecurities or even relationships. These tiny humans can take us back to a place and time that didn’t feel safe to us, or when we didn't feel validated or in control.
- Emotional regulation: We may yell, scream, curse, even throw things. But if we bring it back to us as mothers, it's what 'adults' do that teaches our children when they are upset. Our children look to us for many things, and modeling how to express emotions and how to cope with them is one of them. Emotional regulation refers to the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express their feeling. Being able to show your children that you can name your emotion and then demonstrate how to manage that emotion empowers our children to do the same.
- Take a time out: Time outs are not only for children. Take the time to walk away and ‘catch yourself’. I am a firm believer in walking away and taking a breath. This can lead to better outcomes and reactions that you do not regret in the end. Even in the thick of a meltdown or argument, stepping away is a healthy choice. Taking a time out isn’t weakness but rather demonstrates self-control.
- Know when it is you and not your child: Have your needs been met? How are you feeling? Are you okay? How was your day? There will be times when the way you react to your child has nothing to do with them, but you. Taking the time to reflect, even a 2-minute self-check before interacting with others, can change the mood and the way you interact with your family.
- Let me tell you, your child isn't intentionally trying to get you: It can feel like their behaviours are intentional and manipulative, but understanding that certain behaviours are developmentally appropriate and normal can help us stay present. Children are supposed to test boundaries, and challenge.
You got this!
So the next time your child throws that food on the floor, rolls their eyes or breaks your good glass, stop, notice, take a breath, check in with yourself, ground yourself, drink some cold water, know that you are a good mother and take it from there.
You got this mama!