Before becoming a mother, I had heard how drastically relationships changed once baby arrived.
Many moms claimed that they felt misunderstood and unseen as a person by their partners, parents, in-laws, friends, and other close relations.
Yet simply knowing this did not prepare me to navigate the murky waters of the most special yet complicated relationship of all; that between my mother and myself.
Expectations vs reality
When I told my mom the great news about my pregnancy, she was delighted at the prospect of becoming a grandma for the first time.
We bonded over ensuring that I had everything I needed to welcome my precious newborn; everything except working on our relationship with each other.
Naturally, I expected that having given birth to and raising two daughters, my mom was over-equipped to provide me with the emotional support I needed, and I believed that I could be vulnerable with her more than anyone else.
Instead, I found myself wondering if my mother even remembered what it was like having a baby as she could not relate to my feelings at all.
In fact, the period after my daughter’s arrival was characterized by several misunderstandings which resulted in her either ignoring me or distancing herself and in me feeling utterly alone with my confidence in shreds.
Eventually, I stopped expressing my true feelings on any topics related to emotional support and childcare as I did not want to be seen as weak, always complaining, or worse, ungrateful.
The shifting dynamic
According to family therapist Hillary Truong: “There is always a shift in dynamics between mothers and daughters when the daughter becomes a mother and the mother a grandmother."
In her article, How Your Mother-Daughter Relationship Changes When You Become a Mom, Truong lists the specific dynamics responsible for the disconnect between mothers and daughters:
- Daughter may have to share the limelight and is left in need of more love and attention
- Daughter needs a tremendous amount of emotional support currently
- Both mother and daughter may have different ideas of what the "right" amount of support is
- Daughter may see her mother interacting with the grandchild in a way that she never felt herself
- Mother may be returning to work or retiring and have other plans for her life.
The truth of the matter
The truth is that at the time, I expected my mother to know exactly what I needed and when I needed it without me having to explain to her.
Afterall, she was the one with all the experience, right? Wrong.
What I did not consider was that my mother was not raised by her own mother and as such my grandmother was not around when I, my mom’s first child, was born to provide her with the unconditional support she may have craved.
Bygone era
My mom was also raised in an era when expressing feelings of sadness, depression, or discontent about motherhood may have been considered taboo or would have been met with indifference, hostility or even ridicule.
She may not even have known how to process or articulate what she was experiencing or feeling at the time.
My mother also would have had her own expectations of becoming a grandma that she never shared with me because she either did not know how to, or assumed that I would automatically know because she had raised me.
In our preparations for my motherhood journey, we focused on the material things but never considered the practical aspects, like our expectations of each other.
Preventing and navigating conflict
Truong believes that with the right information and guidance, mothers and daughters could navigate the conflict at this stage without ruining their relationships in the long run by using the following solutions.
- Understand that our mothers may be limited in the support they offer depending on what they received themselves: Often our relationships are a case of history repeating itself, however it is important to consider that “this cycle didn’t come from a lack of love but rather women not having a voice to ask for what they need.”
- Ask for what you need from your mother: Stop waiting for others to ask what you need and start telling them.
- Think about whether what you are getting from your mom in your current stage is enough: For instance, are your needs being met? Are you expecting too much of your mother? Does it feel like there are underlying issues that are causing you to attempt to mind read your mother’s intentions or 'real feelings?' Are you communicating and seeing each other as much as you would like?
The compromise
My baby has now progressed beyond the newborn phase and the disagreements between us are less frequent, as my mom and I have reached a comfortable level of compromise.
This started by me finally admitting to myself that I needed my mother’s support more than my unwillingness to define it, and to do so in a considerate yet honest way when we were both open to receiving what the other had to say.
Acknowledging that we have both embarked on a journey through uncharted waters has helped me to have more realistic expectations of my mother and to view her from a place of compassion.
Communication
I have also recognized that my daughter will need both of us to work out our issues.
So, in the interests of all involved, my peace of mind mostly, I have to keep the lines of communication as open and as straightforward as possible to avoid history repeating itself when it comes to our own mother-daughter relationship, as well as her own possible experiences of motherhood.
In the words of my heroine, Dr Maya Angelou: “If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”